# I need some help - so so worried **URL:** \ **Category:** New to Carers Connect\ **Created:** [5 May 2020 18:30 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446 "2020-05-05T18:30:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [22 May 2020 17:21 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/61 "2020-05-22T17:21:01Z")
> [@](#): > > Hi Luke, > > I was in a similar position with my mum. > > First things first, DO NOT give your job up. This will be your lifeline as time goes by. Sadly, you can’t make nan well and if she has dementia, she will get worse. Also, and I had to learn this with my mum, you can’t make her happy. Any dementia assessment can be done at home; all my mum’s visits were at home. They would be arranged by the GP in the first instance. > > If four care visits a day are not enough and it sounds as if they are not, nan will need to go into a nursing home. NB, a nursing home, not a care home as you need to find a home which will look after her until the very end of her life. I know how difficult it is when you are working but if you can get any holiday, unpaid leave etc, use that time to visit nursing homes and see which one you would like nan in. > > You then have to harrass Social Services and tell them that you and nan cannot cope, cannot continue etc etc and that she needs to be in a nursing home. Social Services will do a financial assessment to see if nan has to pay anything towards her care. > > Incidentally, worth checking with Carers UK Helpline if nan is getting all the benefits she is entitled to. In my mum’s case I used her Attendance Allowance to pay for a gardener and cleaner. It meant that between carer visits, someone else was coming into the house while I was at work. I also paid for a dementia sitter, someone to visit twice a week, from Age UK. > > I wish you luck, a very difficult time. Anne Thank you, but regarding social services what do I do if Nan is insists that she wants to be at home. They feel at the moment she can still make her own decisions. How does the process of a dementia assessment typically go? How long until diagnosed ? Will they take in mine and families worries into consideration? ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [22 May 2020 21:52 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/62 "2020-05-22T21:52:03Z")
Nan been admitted again to hospital. With left side pain. Rapid breathing. Carers are really good. Stayed with Nan in her own time. ---
**Author:** ![Denis\_1610](https://dub1.discourse-cdn.com/flex017/user_avatar/carersukstaging.discourse.group/denis_1610/32/13603_2.png) [@Denis\_1610](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Denis_1610)\ **Post date:** [23 May 2020 07:14 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/63 "2020-05-23T07:14:26Z")
Oh dear, Luke, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. Your nan in hospital, out, in, out and in again. At least the carers seem to be good. I hear so many stories on this forum of slap-dash carers. You will need to be strong as you go through this difficult time. As others have said, keep your job up. Without a career you will be leaning on society, not doing our bit to support it and you will be much less use to others. Make sure your manager is aware of the situation. Whatever happens next, do keep in touch. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [23 May 2020 19:12 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/64 "2020-05-23T19:12:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh dear, Luke, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. Your nan in hospital, out, in, out and in again. At least the carers seem to be good. I hear so many stories on this forum of slap-dash carers. > > You will need to be strong as you go through this difficult time. As others have said, keep your job up. Without a career you will be leaning on society, not doing our bit to support it and you will be much less use to others. Make sure your manager is aware of the situation. > > Whatever happens next, do keep in touch. Work management seems understanding. I want to be able to discuss things with my nans dr on her behalf, should that be phone or face to face etc., If I wrote a letter And got Nan to sign it When she comes home would a dr surgery accept that? ---
**Author:** ![Ayjay](https://dub1.discourse-cdn.com/flex017/user_avatar/carersukstaging.discourse.group/ayjay/32/190_2.png) [@Ayjay](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Ayjay)\ **Post date:** [23 May 2020 19:53 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/65 "2020-05-23T19:53:05Z")
> [@](#): > > Thank you, but regarding social services what do I do if Nan is insists that she wants to be at home. **They feel at the moment she can still make her own decisions.** …but can she take care of herself? Anyone can make a decision, but it has to be a rational decision. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [23 May 2020 21:12 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/66 "2020-05-23T21:12:13Z")
> [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Thank you, but regarding social services what do I do if Nan is insists that she wants to be at home. **They feel at the moment she can still make her own decisions.** > > …but can she take care of herself? > > Anyone can make a decision, but it has to be a rational decision. Not without carers. For example say they come in the morning get up out of bed washed and fed. And for some reason while I was at work carers didn’t turn up. She would probably be stuck in chair: no food drink and needing to be changed. Which I couldn’t do for her. ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [23 May 2020 21:26 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/67 "2020-05-23T21:26:54Z")
You must be strong and stand up for yourself and your life Luke. I did try to warn you. Now it’s vital she has a dementia assessment before discharge anywhere. People with dementia just can’t see their situation properly. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [24 May 2020 17:28 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/68 "2020-05-24T17:28:38Z")
> [@](#): > > You must be strong and stand up for yourself and your life Luke. > I did try to warn you. > Now it’s vital she has a dementia assessment before discharge anywhere. People with dementia just can’t see their situation properly. I have asked for one which I think they want to do in the community. I have been standing up for myself but they still say she has metal capacity to make decisions. ---
**Author:** ![Ayjay](https://dub1.discourse-cdn.com/flex017/user_avatar/carersukstaging.discourse.group/ayjay/32/190_2.png) [@Ayjay](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Ayjay)\ **Post date:** [24 May 2020 18:18 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/69 "2020-05-24T18:18:27Z")
> [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > You must be strong and stand up for yourself and your life Luke. > > I did try to warn you. > > Now it’s vital she has a dementia assessment before discharge anywhere. People with dementia just can’t see their situation properly. > > I have asked for one which I think they want to do in the community. I have been standing up for myself but they still say she has metal capacity to make decisions. I don’t think you realise quite how tough you have to be with these people. So long as you’ve made it quite clear to Social Services and the Hospital that you can’t care for her (preferably in writing & Recorded Delivery) - let them get on with it, and then ask what their Care Plan involves. ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [24 May 2020 18:29 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/70 "2020-05-24T18:29:40Z")
They have already mucked up one discharge. It is not fair on her to go in and out of hospital again. They must now properly assess her, a full Continuing Healthcare Assessment, nor just a dementia assessment. ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [24 May 2020 18:48 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/71 "2020-05-24T18:48:23Z")
Luke When I suspected my late husband was getting dementia, I wrote to his GP with my concerns. He saw hubby, and said he hasn’t dementia, as he answered lots of questions correctly. They were questions from years ago, that he knew the answers to.When he deteriorated he still knew these answers . Always remembered his army number! Even when hubby said it was 1980 the GP said it’s because he had become tired! He did, very sadly have vascular dementia, and lost capacity very speedily. You have to be one step ahead and explain the reasons why you Nan is being misdiagnosed, and ask for 2nd opinion. You know your Nan better than anyone,. They have to listen to you, and the fact you will not be able not care for her as she deserves. It’s a fight, I remember it well. You have your life to live, work to continue with, for your own future. Your Nan would want that for you. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [26 May 2020 15:17 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/72 "2020-05-26T15:17:31Z")
Will they listen to me? My Nan very insistent of going home, they say she can still make that decision. And in her mind she believes that there is nothing wrong with her. ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [26 May 2020 15:23 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/73 "2020-05-26T15:23:15Z")
Is that “she can make her own decision” based on a full psychiatric assessment, as part of her Continuing Healthcare Assessment??? ---
**Author:** ![Cloudygal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/48db29/32.png) [@Cloudygal](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Cloudygal)\ **Post date:** [26 May 2020 17:39 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/74 "2020-05-26T17:39:45Z")
Thats all very well, but they are effectively forcing you to care for her as you live there. Unless you have the finances to move out ---
**Author:** ![Anne001](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/34f0e0/32.png) [@Anne001](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Anne001)\ **Post date:** [27 May 2020 13:55 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/75 "2020-05-27T13:55:07Z")
They need to check if she “has capacity”. If she “has capacity”, she can make her own decisions and that includes going home. The hospital argued that my mum had capacity even though she introduced me as her nephew!! I argued that if someone has a dementia diagnosis, that was proof in itself that she did not have capacity. It is a problem area though. If you have a preferred home for nan to move into, sometimes it is worth discussing it with the care home manager. The care home manager had good contacts with the hospital in my mum’s case and was a useful ally. Does the hospital have dementia specialists / befrienders? It may be worth finding out as I am sure they have experienced this many times. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [28 May 2020 18:54 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/76 "2020-05-28T18:54:28Z")
Does a hospital normally discharge patients on a weekend? Especially elderly? ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [31 May 2020 18:17 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/77 "2020-05-31T18:17:14Z")
> [@](#): > > They need to check if she “has capacity”. If she “has capacity”, she can make her own decisions and that includes going home. The hospital argued that my mum had capacity even though she introduced me as her nephew!! I argued that if someone has a dementia diagnosis, that was proof in itself that she did not have capacity. It is a problem area though. If you have a preferred home for nan to move into, sometimes it is worth discussing it with the care home manager. The care home manager had good contacts with the hospital in my mum’s case and was a useful ally. > > Does the hospital have dementia specialists / befrienders? It may be worth finding out as I am sure they have experienced this many times. My Nan has capacity To make decisions they say, but I don’t believe she making The right or safe ones. ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [31 May 2020 19:16 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/78 "2020-05-31T19:16:31Z")
Has she seen a psychiatrist as part of a Continuing Healthcare Assessment??? Have you seen a formal written report? You need to insist on hard evidence like this Luke, don’t let them get away with “think”! ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [3 June 2020 07:31 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/79 "2020-06-03T07:31:12Z")
Here we go again she due home today. I don’t know if I can cope but I try. ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [3 June 2020 08:10 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/80 "2020-06-03T08:10:45Z")
Keep a diary. Have you been involved in a new care plan? Remember you should not have to do anything for her. You must not be forced to care, you have a right not to care. [Previous page](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446.md?page=3) [Next page](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446.md?page=5)