# I need some help - so so worried **URL:** \ **Category:** New to Carers Connect\ **Created:** [5 May 2020 18:30 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446 "2020-05-05T18:30:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [29 June 2020 07:33 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/121 "2020-06-29T07:33:09Z")
When the hospital said to my mum that they were going to send her home, totally alone, totally bedbound, and she’d have to use incontinence pants between carer visits, it was this aspect of being alone which she could not tolerate. There was no carer cover from 8pm to 7am. She had always been very particular about her personal cleanliness, and the thought of sitting in her own poo for almost 12 hours was totally unacceptable to her, as it would be for me. Are you recording nan being rude to you? Keeping a diary? ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [29 June 2020 11:17 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/122 "2020-06-29T11:17:45Z")
> [@](#): > > When the hospital said to my mum that they were going to send her home, totally alone, totally bedbound, and she’d have to use incontinence pants between carer visits, it was this aspect of being alone which she could not tolerate. > There was no carer cover from 8pm to 7am. She had always been very particular about her personal cleanliness, and the thought of sitting in her own poo for almost 12 hours was totally unacceptable to her, as it would be for me. > Are you recording nan being rude to you? > Keeping a diary? Yes I am keeping a diary. And tracking it. She not normally like that so maybe she was fed up and hopefully not a dementia side affect but I keep it tracked. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [1 July 2020 18:50 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/123 "2020-07-01T18:50:44Z")
My Nan asked me if my mum had died. She did a few years back. It’s like she isn’t sure if she still alive or not. ---
**Author:** ![Alison\_19111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@Alison\_19111](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Alison_19111)\ **Post date:** [4 July 2020 21:47 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/124 "2020-07-04T21:47:40Z")
> [@](#): > > My Nan asked me if my mum had died. She did a few years back. It’s like she isn’t sure if she still alive or not. Yes, she does sound confused, Luke. She may repeat the question if she forgets your answer. On a positive note, she was able to check with you and she obviously trusts you to tell her the truth. I’m sorry you’re having to confront this issue, You have your own feelings about losing your Mum, and you have shared memories with your Nan about your Mum too. I hope you and your Nan were able to have some fond reminiscences about your Mum. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 10:10 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/125 "2020-07-08T10:10:17Z")
I have finally got a memory clinic appointment for my Nan. They are visiting on Monday. How can I prepare. And what should I expect? I am worried they might not believe me… ---
**Author:** ![bowlingbun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@bowlingbun](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/bowlingbun)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 12:22 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/126 "2020-07-08T12:22:36Z")
Luke, you have the evidence if needed. Make sure you are present. ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 14:01 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/127 "2020-07-08T14:01:12Z")
Luke, I agree, please be present at the assessment, and don’t be tempted to correct your Nan, on anything. If she says the moon is wallpapered let her say it!! I had to sit tight lipped with my husband, hard when he was looking at me to help him. Some of the things that will be asked will be from many years ago, and your Nan will probably know the answers. Not really helpful annoyingly. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 16:03 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/128 "2020-07-08T16:03:27Z")
> [@](#): > > Luke, I agree, please be present at the assessment, and don’t be tempted to correct your Nan, on anything. If she says the moon is wallpapered let her say it!! I had to sit tight lipped with my husband, hard when he was looking at me to help him. > Some of the things that will be asked will be from many years ago, and your Nan will probably know the answers. Not really helpful annoyingly. I am going to be there and my Aunt is going to be there. But I will feel a fool if they don’t believe me. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong and she just thinks it’s old age… ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 16:40 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/129 "2020-07-08T16:40:02Z")
Luke, most dementia sufferers really don’t believe they have anything wrong. It’s all the others in their minds!! My experience anyway, when visiting my husband in the nursing home. As BB said you have evidence. Have a chat with your Aunt before the meeting. Try not to fret hard as it is. Wait for the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 19:41 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/130 "2020-07-08T19:41:51Z")
Do you get a diagnosis from the meeting? How long do things normally take? ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [8 July 2020 20:15 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/131 "2020-07-08T20:15:14Z")
Luke, the circumstances changed for my lovely husband, as he suffered a stroke soon afterwards. Obviously was hospitalised, and was diagnosed then. I really was just trying to explain that it’s difficult, not to speak up, and question why they are asking the the things they choose to. Sadly the GP said hubby didn’t appear to have dementia, even though he said it was 1980! He was incorrect as the signs were there and had been for a while. Sorry, the last thing I want to do is alarm you. I wish I had the answers for you, but I haven’t. It’s a very difficult time, and you must take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 09:03 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/132 "2020-07-09T09:03:26Z")
If I get a dementia diagnosis, I possibly going to go down the route of talking to Social services regarding a care home. But she still adamant she doesn’t want to go in one. What can I do? I am still waiting for LPA to go through. ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 09:27 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/133 "2020-07-09T09:27:52Z")
Morning Luke I would wait for the outcome. Depends on her capacity re choice of going into a care home. Her needs are more important than her wants. I wouldn’t even mention a home for the time being. If she mentions it, reply something like ’ we don’t have to talk about that today or something similar. Distract her. How does your Aunt feel about it all? Has she expressed concerns about the future? This is too much for you, on your own, work to consider and your future. Please try to have a weekend off from worrying so much. I know that is very hard to do, but you must try. I worried myself to a near breakdown, but it didn’t change the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 10:38 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/134 "2020-07-09T10:38:25Z")
The thing is she has started calling out at night asking questions without thinking that I am asleep; but I can’t ignore her otherwise she won’t stop calling. ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 15:25 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/135 "2020-07-09T15:25:55Z")
Can you record her calling out at night? As evidence. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 16:44 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/136 "2020-07-09T16:44:57Z")
> [@](#): > > Can you record her calling out at night? As evidence. I try, but when your woken up and half asleep don’t think too. ---
**Author:** ![Melly1](https://dub1.discourse-cdn.com/flex017/user_avatar/carersukstaging.discourse.group/melly1/32/34_2.png) [@Melly1](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Melly1)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 17:00 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/137 "2020-07-09T17:00:17Z")
Luke, I agree with Pet, try and relax now and wait for the appointment. The hardest part is not knowing and I understand your need to find out and know as much as possible. If you need to learn more about dementia there is lots of information here [https://www.alzheimers.org.uk](https://www.alzheimers.org.uk) (they cover all sorts of dementia.) However, it might be better to wait until you know if that’s her diagnosis Have you tried keeping a diary - handwritten or type it, it might help you to write it all down and you will also be able to refer to it if necessary. Melly1 ---
**Author:** ![Alison\_19111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@Alison\_19111](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Alison_19111)\ **Post date:** [9 July 2020 23:24 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/138 "2020-07-09T23:24:19Z")
Luke, your Nan and my Aunt sound as if they have a lot in common. Don’t be anxious about not being believed. Although your Nan still has some insight, the practitioner carrying out the assessment will be aware that it doesn’t mean she is safe at home on her own. The assessment is a process . Here in Scotland it usually involves an Addenbrooke’s Assessment, lots of questions which produce a score out of a 100. They can glean a lot from the score, and sometimes it’s repeated after 12 weeks to see if there are any changes. My Aunt was able to (just) manage at home on a score of 61 but I was told that was fairly unusual. Sometimes there’s a referral for a scan too. Keeping a diary is a great idea because it’ll prompt you to give exact answers. You’ll be believed. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Night-time delirium is common after being in hospital; it can resolve in time and it’s an important part of the whole picture. Does she try to get up and put herself at risk? That’s an important detail. As the others say, try and relax now and have confidence that you’ll be believed when you provide information. ---
**Author:** ![Luke\_20051](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Luke\_20051](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Luke_20051)\ **Post date:** [13 July 2020 08:09 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/139 "2020-07-13T08:09:27Z")
Memory clinic are coming today. Very nervous about today. ---
**Author:** ![Pet66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@Pet66](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/u/Pet66)\ **Post date:** [13 July 2020 08:19 UTC](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446/140 "2020-07-13T08:19:23Z")
Thinking of you Luke. Stay calm. [Previous page](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446.md?page=6) [Next page](https://carersukstaging.discourse.group/t/i-need-some-help-so-so-worried/66446.md?page=8)