Hi all.
Seems a common theme from the posts I’ve read so far that a good ramble is therapeutic , hopefully someone will read to the end, but welcome any thoughts from the community
My partner’s Mum (now 86) came to live with us nearly 18 months ago, after the sudden loss of her partner of 49 years (they never married). She’d always been pretty independent and fit/Active; playing tennis and swimming, gardening etc but about 3 years ago has a bit of a nervous breakdown over a dispute with a near neighbour that nearly went to court but eventually settled. However, she ended up in hospital for a few weeks, and on medication for stress/psychotic episodes after everyone became ‘them out to get her’. Although things eventually got back under more control, she was never quite the same, but returned home to live with her quite frail partner until his unfortunate accident/fall that finished him off (but that’s another story) However, upshot being that although her house is only 15 miles from ours, its across one of the worst bits of m25 so can take 2 hours or more to do the round trip so not good for emergency situations. My partner is her only daughter, and although Mum has 3 sisters they all have their own care/carer obligations and only one neighbour on speaking terms so not much support close to home- hence when her partner died we felt it only right for her to come stay with us ‘temporarily’ so she wasn’t on her own, especially given the recent instability period.
She’s still pretty fit and able physically though, can walk up to the local shop unaided to get a paper and/or few bits shopping for her lunch etc. No problem with eating or hygiene etc. She will occasionally put some washing on for us (sometimes even on the right programme!) and fold up the drying. But for the most part, she’s lost interest in doing anything.
Although she lives in the house, my partner runs our small business and I work full time as well as helping in the business, so we’re often out 10/12 hours a day 7 days a week so Mum is left on her own. My partner does often get Wednesday and Thursday away from the business, but can then end up ferrying Mum over to her house to go to Doctor/Dentist/Optician/beautician/hairdresser/chiropodist etc etc as she’s not willing to change to a local alternative closer to our home (as she’s known them all for years/hates change) so those precious days off disappear in traffic and waiting.
We’ve tried to broach the subject of her returning home for a day or so every week, she can still drive on the roads she knows near her home, so its not like she’d be housebound. But she says she couldn’t cope, especially the thought of being in the house on her own overnight. She has this nervous wheezy moan that gets worse when she’s stressing about something, and she appears fine in the car travelling to her house, but the minute she’s walking up the path it gets worse and she can’t wait to get out again. Her one near neighbour just very kindly invited her over to stay with her this past weekend, as she too thinks Mum could be back in her home again , so they’ve spent a few days pottering - but called us privately this morning to say that although Mum was OK in her garden, she just won’t stay indoors.
We’ve suggested selling the house (not that she needs the money, but its still an expense and needs upkeep/time which we just don’t have) and her other neighbour offered to buy it for a decent price as he’s trying to redevelop his adjacent plot . But she just refuses (or is not capable) of talking about it rationally.
So we’re stuck. I relate so much to other seemingly common themes on here .
- Mum’s absolute refusal to accept outside help, or contact any third party. The likes of AgeUK said they can’t so anything unless she specifically asks them, even then having an ‘assessment’ however gently phrased might push her over the edge.
- Us feeling ill equipped to cope with her mental rather than physical issues. Even though I like to think I’ve got bucketloads of patience, my partner is getting increasingly stressed and on medication for blood pressure , and we’re missing ‘our’ time as we don’t get much anyway due to commitments, but against a background of guilt for feeling like this as Mum’s got no-one else.
So, are we ‘carers’ ?
Mum says that even though we’re out so long each day, she still likes/needs the company in the evenings - despite usually 10 minutes after eating her evening meal and mum friendly TV diet of Pointless/Chase or Millionaire re-runs she’s snoring in the chair (but refuses to go to bed as she won’t sleep) but she’s got little or no conversation as she’s not doing anything.
And clings to her hours with her daughter, even though they’ve never been that close - they were never a huggy, living in pockets family . and its the daughter who is going to need help soon (or me) .
Because she doesn’t actually want to Do anything or take an interest in much at all, even thinking about one of the local age group coffee mornings or somesuch just to get some interaction and break up the days is met with abject refusal.
Social Services aren’t interested, especially as there is no physical care need - and Charitable/volunteer services all seem to need the person to be proactive. We even tried to get her GP to speak with her alongside one of her other appointments, but was just met with ’ I’m fine’ so again, couldn’t do anything.
It seems almost criminal to have someone with all the physical capability to do something, anything, but just not prepared to and despite however we try to say that we’re really worried she’s just going to get more and more withdrawn and regress back to her mental instability and need 24 hour supervision as she won’t be able to be safely left alone, we don’t seem to be getting anywhere so life trundles on (and frustrations build)
Any thoughts appreciated.