Introducing me and my caring situation

New to Carers Connect
1

Hello I am not really new here. I have been a member for a few years and have posted at some point but it was so long ago I feel I must reintroduce myself and explain my current situation and update it. I shall share all of my story eventually in various different posts as I need a lot of help and advice on the matter!

i came to these forums to find out if I was the only one who was in the situation that I am in, which is a bad one! If I complained or if mum deemed me to not be a very good carer she would often tell me about other adult offspring who were carers for their mum’s who were wonderful, sacrificed their lives for their disabled parent (caree) and LIKED IT!! Due to the fact that they realised that they OWED their parent for all the years the parent spent looking after them (the children now caring). I was told I was a bad carer and daughter because I wasn’t as grateful and righteous as these adult children carers! They never complained! So naturally I felt like maybe I was being selfish if I was ever unhappy doing this, and felt guilty for not doing this and enjoy it because I should do because I am supposed to love my mum and WANT to care for her in her hour! (10 years) of need (which will be forever because there’s no cure for what she has and she’ll never get better, in fact she may get worse)

Anyway may I introduce myself, I am Jeromiah (lord is my actual title, it’s not a nickname), I am a trans male (meaning female to male) gender fluid confused person. I am currently secretly living as a male as my mum doesn’t accept that I’m transgender. She doesn’t think that I really am and that I’m just confused. I don’t doubt I am confused but I feel quite strongly about the way I feel and I feel that I should be male. It’d be nice if she still respected my decision to be who I want to be.
Anyway I have been a carer now for mum for the last 10 years.
It all started when i was 15 and she complained of walking difficulties which got worse by the time I was 19 ot 20. She continued doing everything (cooking and cleaning) until one day she couldn’t cope anymore. She went for various doc’s and hospital appointments to find out what her pain was all about. They diagnosed her with degenerative spine disks and various stenosis’s, arthritis and sciatica. I still lived with her at that age so she told me I should be her carer seen as how I’m here. I reluctantly agreed to it. I felt obliged to because I lived at home still and she wasn’t willing to get a stranger carer to come in and help. She said I’d have to be her 24/7 carer. I knew this spelt the end of my freedom and previous way of life and the beginning of a more restricted life full of hard work. Before then I didn’t really do much but I did my fair share of chores. Now I had been burdened with having to do EVERYTHING. I now had to clean and tidy a whole mansion, managed the clutter that had been accumulated over the 17 years, and do all the cooking and fetching her things she needed which was all too much for me. I found that I had a lot less free time and although I was never very independent before becoming her carer there was now no way I was ever going to be able to gain any!
I felt so trapped and like there was no hope. My mum wanted me to be with her all the time. I was never allowed to go out without her. I was now isolated. All our family had deserted us so I had nobody to help me look after mum or even for emotional support… My mum became worse and worse over time, as in attitude wise. She got frustrated with me because she didn’t think I did enough and nothing I did was good enough. She’s right, it wasn’t, and, isn’t! I am not a very good carer and don’t clean as much as I should. I do the bare minimum which is still alot of work and exhausting. I find myself sleeping alot and staying up late at night because it’s the only free time I get when she falls asleep! She doesn’t sleep very well and if she catches me still up at 3 or 4 am she will rope me into doing more chores.
I am first and foremost an artist! This is my primary profession and what I am passionate about! I love to draw and write so I stay up into the night to watch tutorial videos or inspiration for my drawings, I draw, I read and I write my stories.

My mum complains that I ignore her if I don’t jump to her demands within 10 minutes. She calls me abusive. Usually when she texts me or rings me to do this and that, I have just sat down to do my own thing and rest! So yes I may not bounce as soon as she asks me to do something else. I feel run ragged. It’s true I don’t do enough but I feel like I never get to do much of what I want and I feel like I hardly get 5 minutes to myself except when I’m sleeping or out shopping (for groceries, not clothes shopping spree like most people assume. I only go out for essentials).
Since mum has had a heart attack she has been a lot harder on me and argues with me and criticises me constantly!
I have self harmed for the first time ever at 30!

There’s loads more but I will have to write the rest in another post! Let me know if i must post updates here or another forum catagory

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Heya and welcome. If you have not done so already get a care needs assessment done.

1 Like
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Hi Jeromiah, and welcome aboard. You certainly have a lot going on in your life, and I can understand why you need that quiet time, even if it is at what most of us would think of as a ridiculously early time! I’ve lost count of the times when I got up and started writing at 2am…when I had a lot more stress and a LOT more stamina…

The only “paragons of virtue” I’ve ever come across who never complained or grumbled about their caring role, even to themselves, paid for others to do the caring and then talked about family duty for those who couldn’t afford it. Everyone else has at least the occasional grumble, given that they’re human. It’s in our nature. I’ve been known to have the occasional moan when donning the gloves and apron at 3am…fortunately that doesn’t happen often. I won’t say any more because I don’t want to push my luck :blink:

To be clear, there is no legal or moral imperative on caring. Your mum may not want outside help but that doesn’t mean she can force you - physically or emotionally - to be her carer. Unless you let her. Legally, you have the right to choose whether you will provide care or not, and how much you will do - what specific tasks, for example. It’s your choice, and yours alone.

Think about what you want to do. Then think about your choices and hers. For example, if you decide you will not be her carer any longer, what choices does that give your mum? That’s not to get you to change your mind, so much as to help your mum to understand what that will mean for her. She won’t like it, but that is not your problem.

The same goes for her accepting you for who you are. Older people in particular tend to struggle with the concept of transgender. They tend to see things in binary terms because that is what we were taught. The fact that life has never been that cut and dried is not something they have been exposed to until recently, and it’s confusing for them too. And maybe a little frightening, because it challenges their world. And people who are frightened tend to react strongly and negatively towards the challenge. All you can do is try to help your mum overcome that confusion and fear.

On a different note, I’d suggest you post in the Members corner for future updates, as that area can only be viewed by members and it will give you a measure of privacy.

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It’s clear that some things MUST change, but you can’t deal with everything all at once.
Make a list - easiest on a computer so you can shuffle it - of everything that you feel must change.

You might like to call it your ESCAPE PLAN? If you want to live a different life in 12 months time, then work towards that goal.

Share with us the one or two things that bug you the most, and ask members for ideas on how to resolve these things.
We will all have different experiences and ideas, but one may just seem a workable solution.

Perhaps divide it up into sub lists first - mum’s life, your future, gender issues etc, whatever seems most appropriate.

Then put the list(s) in order of priority.
Financial future, isolation, holidays, again whatever you want.

Then think about possible solutions.
For example:
Weekly income? Zero.
You can claim Carers Allowance if you don’t already, or get a job.
If mum wants you as a 24/7 carer, and lives in a “mansion” then is she giving you the going rate??
I get the idea that she might be trying to keep you trapped by not giving you enough money to do anything else?

5

I feel for you - no expert on Transgender issues but a very close friend has a daughter who now indentifies as a male, and I do have some perception of how tough it must be for you right now. My friends son is mega upset that his family wont call him by his chosen name or accept what is going on. He and his mother, have both been through a lot as she is determined to be there for him and support him. Do you have access to any support groups? Even an online one? A good counsellor might be an option too ideally one with some experience in Transgender issues.

I totally agree with the advice given re Caring. You HAVE a right to a life of your own. My husband is much older than me and sounds a bit like your mother - very controlling. I am trying to carve a life out for myself because if I am driven into clinical depression, then it will be a home for him as I do not think he could survive on his own as he is mega deaf. Could you tell your mother you are at breaking point? BB Is right you do not have to care. People like your mother and my husband are bullies.

If you are not naturally domesticated, could your mother pay for outside help?

Would a telephone befriender be of any help via the local Carers Association? Often they have been Carers themselves. There may be a waiting list but it can be a safe place to get advice or even to discuss options.

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Hi Jeromiah
You took a very brave step of posting all of this.
Are you ready for more brave steps as in all the replies above?
and more brave steps?

I am going to be blunt.

The gaslighting, coercive control and bullying stops.
Your mother is writing the rulebooks according to her needs, gaslighting you about child carers, as you have seen in the forum, we are all only human and there are limits to our saintlyhood and halos do slip.
Tell her that is not so, you know from other other adult child carers.
The bullying needs to end, you are not her slave, you are an adult with a right to your own life.

You are not her punchbag for her frustrations over her body.
You are a valid human being and deserve mutual respect and your own life.

I also have a friend who has a daughter transitioning to male, the mother is not surprised and is very supportive.
Refuse to answer to your mother unless she calls you by your chosen male name.
Tell her that transgenders are supported by their mothers who understand them and the difficulties they endure for this and their mothers love is unconditional.
Tell her that many mothers take carers and independence so their children can have their lives, careers, travels and relationships and those who are caring are appreciated, thanked, praised and have treats, respite, afternoons, weekends or weeks off and some have help from carers, gardeners etc.
Giver her it back - get into an adolescent mood !
She won’t like it, you need to be strong and resolute.
This is not fair on you.

Have you got a local college doing art school? Do they have an adult summer art course introduction scheme? Art school will be a great world for you.
As suggested by Bowlingbun, an escape plan, art school would be so good for you.
It is never too late, many art schools have a cross section of generations.

Watch Rupaul’s drag race if you don’t already, ok it’s the reverse of you, however the creativity is amazing and you will see their struggles and survival and maybe not feel so alone.
Also Glow Up, a make up artist competition, just for the creativity of the make up artist contestants.

Society has a lot of maturing to do in terms of gender issues, LGBTQ etc.
Current generations are the trailblazers, paving the way.
Nobody gets to choose their wrapping paper (body).
Too many people have had to live sham lives pretending to be hetero, families or confirmed single and hiding their true self, now it is an open field and I embrace that because people can be their true selves. Vive la difference.

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Jeromiah

As suggested in a reply above, post in Members corner because ti is more private there.

I am concerned and sorry to hear you have self harmed.
Please, please, please promise you will not do that again.
You are here, you are not alone.
There is a future and a life for you, please find hope for that.

Call Social Services today
Ask for Carers Needs Assessment
If they tell you waiting list of months and months
Tell them you have self harmed and are in crisis as you are at breaking point with it.

Get a GP appointment and tell them the same.

There are better choices and options in life for you and you are worth them and deserve them.

Be your own best friend, cheerleader and be kind to yourself.

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Thinking about priorities as far as mum is concerned, the heart of the matter is NOT that you are a failure because… but the fact that she is a bully, as others have said.

From what I have read elsewhere, bullying, domestic abuse and "coercive control can now be Police matters.
Maybe as the beginning of your new “Escape Plan/Empowerment” you could read up more on this subject?

9

Exactly as Bowlingbun said, read up on these and you are not a failure.
This might be hard to read, you are not a failure, your mother has failed you actually.

Get that Carers Needs assessment done and a care needs on your mother.
it sounds like your mother qualifies to be in a home.
if nothing else, getting carers in so you can live your life.

While you are searching online look for local art groups/clubs meetings and exhibitions.
Go to them.
There are many self trained artists who are in these groups and they do exhibitions and attend art and craft fairs, with a table of their art for sale - no guarantees for sales of course, but could break even on the costs of the table and transport or even have a little profit.
Some of them form a clique, maybe share a table between two or three and if three then if one is ill or whatever, the other two put their work out and represent them and sell their work.
Think about an Etsy page to sell work and put your art out there.

Get networking at the art exhibitions, slow progress, ask about their art, ask them about the work they have on display/in exhibition, or if they just viewing ask what art they do, do you do it full time, do you do it in spare time? do you have a studio? do you do your work at the kitchen table? What is your inspiration? you have as much right as them to be there and to respond to questions about your art.
When you see them again at the next one, ask how they’re getting on with their work and if they are exhibiting or entering any calls for artists - artists are invited to send photos of work to be considered for an exhibition, could be for free or could be a fee for it, or there are open exhibitions which may be free and not curated/judged for entry or rejection by a panel.

At art and craft fairs, ask artists, crafters if they just do this one or do they do most of the fairs.
Be mindful that people browsing to buy will warrant their attention for sales!
Note what they have on their tables
paintings of various sizes for differing affordability
prints of their work on gift cards and on postcards - these can make money.
Ask if they do Etsy and their thoughts on that.

Cost of living crisis, times are hard and it might be difficult for them to make money, there might be fewer hiring tables but at least you have had a look and seen the layout.

There are specialist art fairs too eg comic con and steampunk which I guess will be very expensive to rent a table and you would probably have to pay an entrance fee.

Many of these crafters, creatives and artists are self taught, lots of practice and have perfected their craft, they do not have art school student loans to payback, most didn’t need art school for what they do.
However if there is a supported (free) access to art course then go on it, have that experience.
why not!

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About the transgender thing she said it’s not because she’s the classic old person who doesn’t accept new concepts or change or whatever… she doesn’t accept it because she doesn’t believe that I personally, and my unique situation, am transgender… The reason for this is because I showed no signs growing up! i showed signs when I was an older child of 12… before 12 I was the girliest girl she’d ever met, obsessed with frilly dresses and all things glamorous and pink! I get her confusion… even as a male I prefer glamorous and pastel colours and frilly things… my style of choice is 17th to 18th century attire which today would probably be considered girly seen as how men now dress in black, grey and navy blue and usually T shirts and jeans where as I dress in frilly white shirts, pantaloons and with bows and frills and lace… I know of many transgender male who prefer this style and live like victorian princes. We are called OUJI or Kodona which is the male version of the better known Lolita japanese street fashion which is victorian inspired. I prefer more 17th century looks as male myself. My bedroom is still pink and girly.
mum is convinced I suddenly wanted to be a boy when my dad had a son with another woman and apparently doted on this boy. She thinks I just wanted to be a boy to please my dad but that was a coincidence! It has nothing to do with that and I couldn’t care less if my dad had a son or treats him better than he ever treated me as by 12 i was over it… I wanted to be male for me and me only… i had my own personal reasons which were a struggle to explain to anybody! My only logical reason for feeling I should be male now at 12 is because I was replacing dad… not trying to please him… I suppose you might say I became my own dad and felt protective of my mum. But since becoming her carer I actually feel more like her wife… which kind of freaks me out a little and doesn’t fit with my male identity. I cook and clean like a housewife whilst she sits around and watches TV like a typical traditional husband… this weird role reversal has freaked me out.

Anyway at the time she told me it was most likely a phase and that if I felt the same way after 18 I have her permission to start to gender reassignment process… TBH all I want is to identify as male and be recognised as such which is hard when you have the largest chest and have the shortest stature… the most I’d do is get top surgery and start on testosterone to appear more manly. no idea what I’d do about the height.
I’m 31 and just gave in to being a girl like mum wanted. I am now secretly trans male and there’s no way I could convince her now. because of this she now definitely thinks it was just a phase. I tried to bring it up just recently by just telling her I’m genderfluid. she told me I wasn’t and shouldnt say that I am… when I told her how I felt about my identity she said she doesn’t doubt i feel this way but I shouldn’t put myself into a “box” and just be me as I am. She reckons these names like trans, gender fluid, and so on are just segragating people. she’s actually more enlightened than the average old person but she does believe in male and female only! She says the rest is preference and that is fine but boxes/labels are destructive

11

You are a grown adult and can vote for your own choice in elections, it’s nobody else’s business.
You can choose your own preferences, it is nobody else’s business.
You are in charge of you, it is your body, your mind and your life.

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Breezey is so right you only have ONE life. I know how hard it is when you KNOW you are being manipulated but cannot seem to break free, but trust me, it will not get any easier. I also know how easy it is for us to make these suggestions and how very hard it is to progress them, but please try.

I feel you need extra support as in some form of counselling? Someone non judgemental? I think there are Transgender Support groups and maybe a helpline so please please investigate this. One other option might be your GP?

13

As Helena suggested, regarding preferences issues there are other forums if you haven’t joined them that might be more helpful on those topics, it’s not a very well known or experienced topic in here so you might benefit from such forum(s) as well as here.

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Hi Jeromiah

Following on from Breezey’s suggestion, this link is for a searchable directory of services across the UK https://www.transunite.co.uk/

They may be more able to help with some of your issues around being a trans male. That said, hopefully we can help with the caring aspect and be a listening and supportive ear for anything you want to talk about. But I would suggest posting in the Members section to keep some of your information safer from prying eyes.

15

This is addressed to all who replied to my post. thank you for your wonderful replies! It makes me feel alot better!
Still conflicted tho, please read:
Here is an update for you: i have a friend who recently offered me to share her home if I want it. If things become too difficult with mum and she goes off the rails again like she did back last years and a little bit this year when she had severe breathing problems due to a rat infestation and she became very very aggressive and almost physical with me.

Yes, her breathing difficulties made her so frustrated and angry to ME as if the rat problem was my fault that she actually would get up, chase me and one time came at my face with scissors. It was her very first time doing anything like that it was scary. She started getting in my face, grabbing my arms and shaking me as she yelled and screamed inches from my face (that last bit happened a few years ago but the scissors thing happened last year the day before or after my birthday on the 16th june 2021) It was so scary that whenever she gets angry I have to move well away from her.

I actually got that incident on camera because I was livestreaming on youtube at the time. My viewers were shocked, especially my 3 friends who saw it, nobody else who watched seemed bothered at all. was honestly expecting a visit from the police because one of my viewers were concerned and called them.

I was relieved the police didn’t come as if they did mum would question me as to how the police knew this happened and would go ballistic if she knew I was recording.

She didn’t even seem that angry at the time and she came around me and then in my face with scissors. I should probably have left at that point but had nowhere to go and wasn’t aware mum was being abusive. I figured she was so frustrated with me because I did dinner late. It made her breathing problems worse if I made dinner late as she kept yelling at me. So that is my fault I guess. She was the one who didn’t want to poison the rats though. She expected me to get rid of them some other way which I did and clearly it didn’t work. After she finally agreed to my poisoning them, she blamed me and said I should’ve poisoned them ages ago when they first invaded the house! Well duh, but she wouldn’t let me kill them! I only did as she asked. She said I should’ve disobeyed her. I’m like what? If I disobey her, she would get angry at me for that, so what the hell am I supposed to do? I agree she was right, I should’ve gone behind her back and just bought poison and kill the damn things. They’ve ruined our house.

Anyway so the most recent thing that happened was that I had a discussion with my mum and it somehow got onto the subject of my being transgender and she told me that if I’m going to be changing myself and transitioning I can just move out then, she doesn’t want a weirdo living in the house with me, she said. I never said I would fully transition because I knew she wouldn’t like that plus I’m terrified of surgery and permanent body alterations just incase I ever regretted it for whatever reason. I’ve felt this way (trans male) since I was 11 and I’m 31 and haven’t changed my mind apart from brief experimenting with going back to living as my assigned gender.

Anyway I told mum fine then if you want me to move out, I will. She wasn’t expecting me to agree to it and later when it sank in, she started warning me of all the stuff I’d have to know (usually scare mongering) about moving out, such as having no money when I got my carers allowance taken off me. I informed her I could get other benefits. She said I couldn’t get a job because I have no qualifications. She’s right and I wouldn’t want to get a full time demanding job as that would just replace the one I already got and would be escaping from!
She asked me where I’d live, I said my friend in wales offered me her place. She said “well she’ll soon get sick of you when she finds out how lazy and useless you are” I told her she doesn’t care… she would happily look after me and she also has a mother who normally does all the cleaning and the cooking and another “lazy arse” living there (the dad who literally does nothing but play on his computer) as she calls me.
She then started ranting and raving about how she’d have to learn how to take care of herself and do all of the chores (like cooking, cleaning, getting cups of tea, snacks, putting bins out, washing pots, washing and so on) all with her breathing problems and disabilities (she can walk and do stuff but struggles with pain, stiffness and breathing problems due to aspirin allergy and salicylates ) I said that she doesn’t have to struggle alone, she can get carers in. She said carers only come in once a week or day and she needs full time care. I was sure she could get that and with a professional carer which I am not. I am crap at it, as she says, because I was not trained nor is it what I want to do… no offence but for me personally its like being a servant and that is just not for me.
a friend confirmed full time care was available for those who need it and do not wish to be put in a care home.
I told my mum this and she acted dumb like she didn’t know why i was saying this. I reminded her of the conversation we had. Clearly she was hoping I was still bluffing about moving out, even tho it was her idea!.
When I said this she went ballistic again and started doing stuff herself that I’d normally do all the while making passive aggressive, snarky and sarcastic comments about how I’m abandoning her knowing she is disabled, in ill health and have nobody else in her life to help her or for company. guilt trip city.
Anyway I ended up saying “I won’t move out then, I’ll stay if you want, but I still want a holiday for a week or at least 3 or 4 days away with my friend in wales.” she calmed down and begrudgingly said “right” and went quiet. She said “a break from what??? you sleep for 12 hours and go out every other day " I said that may be but I still have to wake up to chores and my whole day is about chores and being yelled at, I may go out but I still have to come home after an hour or so to chores and being yelled at, i need a proper break, for days!” She said “Oh I see so you mean you want a break from ME”
I said
“you, the house, the chores, the area, the neighbours” everything! Just to see what it’s like away from here and being your full time carer, seeing what it’s like to be on my own and living a normal life as I haven’t done so in a decade or pretty much ever!" she really resents me wanting a break. She thinks my outings every other day is enough. I’ve been doing this for a decade with no holiday or official break apart from her version of a break which is my going out for only an hour and getting a decent nights sleep… that doesn’t count does it? So you see. I can’t move out OR have a break without her making me feel guilty about it. I’m not even sure if my friend is serious about putting me up. I know she is serious about letting me live with her family if I get kicked out or came at with scissors again and I’m scared.
She still doesn’t know why I want a holiday seen as how I do f**** all according to her. I haven’t even had a holiday since I was 11 and that was only an over night stay in wales. I’ve never had a proper holiday several days away from home. I’ve never been anywhere or seen any of the outside world apart from the local town and past day trip (only a few hours) to liverpool, Edinburgh (only saw outside the train station), chester and york, a fraction of wales.
She also resents me saying I need a break and a holiday because she herself has been stuck in the house for 3 years due to covid and being afraid to venture out for fear of catching it. She’s been vaccinated! “I’ve been stuck in this house for 3 years doing the same routine day in and day out”
Plus it’s not my fault she’s decided to stay in the house doing the same routine for 3 years! She thinks I have a nerve wanting a break.

16

It’s really bad that there isn’t a refuge for abused carers.
If you were in a relationship you could go to a refuge for domestic abuse.

Bluntly

Your mother is selfish, unreasonable and unfair on you, using emotional blackmail and coercive control to keep you there.

You have two choices, break free, just go, leave her with the social services number and a few days of groceries or stay as you are.

There is a third choice give her ultimatums and conditions on you staying - get a clean up team in to get the place cleaned out and then have a cleaner in weekly and she has a carer so you can have some life, got to work, have holiday and breaks.

Give her some home truths that she has prevented you having a career and a life and is ruining your life and you are not having it anymore, either you do these things and have a life here supporting her or you move out to have your life and leave her to her independence.

Let her know you are a grown adult with a mind of your own and aspirations and ambitions that are not up for her discussion to shatter them.

I don’t want to burst a bubble but daily life is about chores, everyone has to do chores at home unless they’re super rich and can afford to pay others to do them, it’s part of grown up adult life.
As a guest at someones home you will outstay your welcome if you don’t help out with daily chores, they are not your slaves to look after you, even if they pamper you on the first couple of days you need to start helping.

Be your own person.
Get control of your life.

17

Ok I’m actually going to be replying to the last part of your reply first because it seemed you think I’d be some sort of freeloader.
I understand that if I lived with my friends family that I would have to help out. I understand they may pamper me at first but eventually get sick of it if I expected them to continue doing so. However I would play it by ear. If after the first days or a week they wanted me to pull my weight and help out, indeed I would do it and wouldn’t protest or expect them to be my slaves. I’m not a monster!. I’m not stupid or that much of a spoiled brat.
However if they were quite happy for me living there and not expect me to do any chores and allow me to do my own thing (which is work on my own home business, which would in fact bring in money, so I’d still be useful), then that’s also fine. It’d be whatever they wanted.
I would let them know that I do have my own business and need time to work on it, which is my art, book, animations and music.

Ok now as for the first bit yes she does seem like selfish, the problem with breaking free is that she believes that because she looked after me and did everything for me as a child and teenager that as she is in the position she is in that I SHOULD want to help her out and give up my life to help her. We did have another talk about it (with her mainly yelling and over talking me) tonight. She claims that I’ve never wanted my own life up until recently and that I have been quite happy with the situation. she doesn’t know me very well! She even said a few months ago that when I was a child she expected me to grow up and be a nurse or carer. I’m like what, why would you think that’s what I wanted to do? It was because I used to be very fond of old people when I was a child and was very helpful to her and grandma and around the house. Just because this may be the case when I was a child doesn’t mean that that is what I wanted to do as a career! It was just child fancies. I actually always wanted to be in a position of power when I was a child and saw myself being a boss of some description. I just never thought I would be clever enough to do a job like that. My mum would often tell me it’s such hard work and I’d probably struggle.

Anyway so tonight she told me that if it were her mother in this position she would’ve been happy to look after her. If her mother became disabled and couldn’t cope she would’ve happily have been her carer with no complains and she’d be happy to do it because “she’s my mother, she brought me up, gave me everything, i owe her my life”
and she also told me a story of a woman who gave up everything to be a carer for her mother, that she saw on the telly. The woman said that she was happy to do it because her mum gave her life, gave her everything she needed, brought her up and so on and she believes she owes her her life, her care her support.
Mum told me that the above mentioned is how a normal person reacts and thinks and does!
So yeah, she does try to make me feel like a piece of shit when I talk to her about not happy being her carer.
She thinks I’ve always been happy with the arrangements and I’ve never wanted my own life up until now. It’s simply not true but trying to talk to her is like accepting a tonne of bricks being piled on you. It’s very hard work and very painful.

She said she’s tried to be as leniant as possible and has always asked me every step of the way if I’m happy with the situation, that she’s never held me hostage and at any time I couldn’t changed my life. So she now thinks that because I’m only just doing it now and talking to her about this stuff that oh I must have been happy all this time. I’ve tried to be, because I felt obliged to do this. Because I felt I had to lest I’d be considered a bad daughter and person. I felt like I should be happy giving up doing my own thing for this but truth is I’ve not been entirely happy with it but just didn’t see a way to change it without being made to feel guilty and bad. I do feel bad. Every time we have these conversations I get a feeling of dread inside and just want things to go back to before, when we were on good terms. We have been until this conversation but I’m hoping that she will see the errors of her ways and modify them.

What you said sounds so easy and reasonable but if I actually said these things to my mum it would be a different story. She would not be happy with my getting someone in to get the house sorted and then a cleaner in to keep it up. We don’t have the money for that anyway as she keeps reminding me. All our money goes on cigs, wild bird food and bills, grocery and household bills

18

No suggestion or thought of you being a freeloader at all. You mentioned that you would be looked after there, your friends mother looks after them. My concerns were that you were an extra person and not family and to think about being a welcome guest, that is advice I was given by my mother when going to stay at friends for however short or long.

I did not suggest, think or say that you would be freeloading in any way whatsoever, don’t put words in my mouth.

No it won’t be easy for you saying or suggesting such things to your mother so if that is not possible for whatever reasons, you have the choice of remaining in the status quo going round in decreasing circles with her coercive control and emotional blackmail or packing up and leaving.

There is no law or Gvt stature that states you are legally bound to care for your parents.
Legally you do not owe them.
When you turn 18 you are responsible for yourself while you are sound of mind.

I’m being blunt but that doesn’t mean I don’t care, however, you have choices.

Decide what you want in life and go with that decision, stay or leave and make the best of which one you choose.

The decision is yours alone to make and then to make the best of it.

We are unpaid carers for our loved ones in here, we are not counsellors, life coaches, psychologists etc, all we can do is offer what we know or have seen in life to point out things etc. We cannot make it better, we do not have a magic wand, we cannot change things, it is down to you to make the change or remain as you are, we can’t tell you what to do.

Life’s too short Jeromiah.

19

Hello Breezey, is it just me being dumb or have you upgraded from normal member to moderator? I just haven’t noticed but I could’ve sworn you were a normal member before.

I really don’t know what to do. I crave a new life, a life of my own sometimes but it is hard for me to leave because it’s true that mum has nobody else and she will absolutely not accept carers.

We had a talk 2 sundays ago and she went ballistic about it. I think i told you about it in my last post.
We somehow talked about something that led to us talking about me being transgender and she said “well you can just move out then if you’re going to do that transitioning stuff, I don’t want a weirdo living with me, I had a daughter” so I called her bluff by saying ok I’ll move out then and she said great sarcastically not expecting me to call her bluff coz I know she doesn’t really want me to move out. Like you said I’m her sort of lifeline so why would she seriously kick me out?
I’ve been curious to know how she’d react if I did that! called her bluff on moving out as she often says “well if you’re not happy with the situation, or, if you don’t like living with the mould and damp, then move out, what you still doing here then??” but I know she’s saying that but if I actually said ok I’ll move out then I know she’d make me feel guilty and moan and get annoyed at me, which she did.
She said things like " right I’ll start doing everything you normally do myself then because I’ve got to get used to living on my own" and when I told her she can get professional carers in, she first said “those kind of carers only come in once a week or a day for a couple of hours and I need 24/7 care”
I consulted somebody about that and he said that there ARE live in 24/7 carers or ones that do shifts that would add up to 24/7 care.
So I told my mum this and she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about (all said over text now)
So I told her it was pertaining to the conversation we’d had in person earlier.
When she came into the kitchen where I was, to do “the 2 jobs you do” she said I would have to teach her how to do the jobs that I do including putting together her scone, cup of tea and crumpets all of which she knows how to do but she asked me to do them to highlight that she’d have to n ow take over doing everything in her ill-health and pain.
I told her how I did them and she said “well, it’s very nice of you to teach me how to do one of 2 jobs that you do”

later when I complained about all the guilt tripping and told her it was all emotional blackmail or manipulation she said "I don’t know why you’re complaining, you’re getting what you want which is to do fck all"
so I said I;d help and she said “nope I’ve got to learn how to do it all on my own”
I said I’d do it whilst I’m still here.
Shje then said “my mum struggled in the 2 years of life she had left doing all the chores whilst having breathing problems and pain” impying she was going to die in 2 years time coz grandma did everything on her own in her state,
Basically because I was leaving and letting her do it all now. That’s bullsht grandad was there to help and grandma spent that time in bed.
I’ve got this convo on record.
My friend Becky told me that I should move out just like you did and that I should report her for abuse. I wouldn’t do that as I wouldn’t want to bring her more trouble in her fragile state and old age especially as she’s gone through so much stress all her life, but the most stress she went through was since she had me apparently. Apparently I caused her all sorts of problems including various people reporting her for various things like child neglect and eductaion stuff as I was home-schooled. she said she fought all these people. And then when the local teens started harassing us I’m the one who provoked them and made them worse by encouraging them. I was stupid kid at the time and thought by acting aggressive back it would scare them away. In my mind I was protecting us and the property but mum blamed me for encouraging them. Although I ignored them now they still harass us 2 decades later

I read this reply from you 2 nights ago and it depressed the hell out of me because you said life’s too short and it’s up to me to make a change but It’s still hard to accept my mum is being abusive to me as you and Becky says because my mum was always a good mum to me growing up and she only became like this since becoming disabled and worse after her heart attack then worse again when we got a rat infestation when the lockdowns hit and mums breathing problems became worse and she became very aggressive toward me and told me not to kill the rats but blamed me for not getting rid of them.
Then she told me I should have killed them even tho she told me that’s not what she wanted! So confusing

20

Helena, I would love to get councelling but not just for the transgender stuff as that’s not the main issue here, that’s just what my mum used to threaten to kick me out but i called her bluff by saying ok I’ll move out then! Then she didn’t like it because she accused me of abandoning her.

Anyway I would love to talk to somebody about all my problems, mental and physical and situational. Not just someone who will listen but actually coach me in figuring out what to do and how to empower me and give advice. But these cost money of which I don’t have.

You guys are actually helping alot, I just have to get help getting over this fear of how mum will react to my even mentioning moving out. If I decide to, and tell her about it, it’s gonna take a while and she’ll take every opportunity to make me feel guilty threatening to not only do everything herself which will make her body deteriorate faster, but also move in her stalker! Yes, i forgot to mention, another way she guilt trippped me is by threatening to contact her stalker to move in with her because at least he will care for me and be company… O…k then mum you do that :S
She was probably bluffing about that too, who knows.